Questions and Answers
Dear Coach,
I met a great guy 4 months ago through an online dating service. We see each other 3 or 4 times each week and almost every weekend.
I’m single, 38, and never married, but want to get married. Ryan is 48 and has two grown sons who are on their own.
He’s been separated from his wife for about a year. It will probably be another year until their divorce is finalized because
he owns a fairly large company and a lot of real estate and other assets which complicate matters.
Everything about our relationship is great, but I don’t know where it’s going. It seems that everything has to stay in limbo
because he isn’t really single.
While we’re both really enjoying our time together, I’m wondering if this is affecting the level of intimacy that we can establish together.
Getting married is important to me. I’ve never been married and want to enjoy that experience with the right person.
I’ve mentioned marriage a couple of times but we’ve never had any serious conversations about it. I think I’m sensitive to bringing it up
because I know he’s still married – at least technically.
My girlfriend says he's not really available and it would be in my best interest to stop dating him and find someone who is really single.
She also says he’s probably not going to want to think about marriage as soon as his divorce is finalized; she’s convinced he’ll want to enjoy
his freedom. Am I making a mistake by dating someone who is separated? Do you think I’m wasting my time?
Shannon
Dear Shannon
You seem to be really clear on what you want, but unclear on whether this man is able to offer it to you.
You will only know if you are wasting your time by being open and honest with your partner. If he does not want the same things as you
then you have a choice to make. Letting go of a great relationship that is not a true fit is difficult and can hurt when you care about the other
person. If your partner does not share your vision remember he is not rejecting you – he is simply not the right person for you and by being
honest with you he allows you to move on and find someone who does share your dreams. He is going through a difficult and emotional time
in his life at the moment and may just not be ready for the type of commitment you require.
Even if he does share your desire to get married, are you prepared to wait until his divorce is finalised and/or he is ready?
Be clear about your own requirements, needs and wants and take the time to test them out fully – 4 months is not long enough for you to really
know someone. Listen to, and trust your own intuition. Be the chooser here, take a risk and discuss what you want with your partner.
Even if the answer isn’t what you want, it is better to find out now rather than in another 6 months time.
Choose not to waste your time and find out now.
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